The Householder’s Path – Duty, Desire, and the Grace of Letting Go | Understanding Sexual Desire through Vipassana
What does Vipassana do to me when it comes to sex and masturbation?
I’m roasting myself by sharing an NSFW story that I would normally keep to myself, hoping that it will be useful and inspiring to other people. I hope the reader doesn’t find it too sexual or inappropriate — that isn’t my intention at all, but I have to be specific.
Being mindful reduces the deep sensation I get from masturbation, with or without porn. It has gradually withdrawn me from porn addiction since my teenage years. Once I started practicing mindfulness, it reduced how much my mind sank into obsession with sex — I stopped daydreaming about it, which helped reduce and prevent sexual tension from building up in my mind.
But sometimes, I lose the battle with sexual desire, so I watch porn. But it’s different this time, as someone who has been practicing. I’m not just watching porn to have fun like before. Instead, I know deep inside that I’m watching because I need to release sexual tension — losing the battle with desire again.
As I watch, instead of letting my mind sink into the porn and follow the content, my mind still does Vipassana. It observes the feeling, the thoughts, and the imagination. It’s like a tug of war between sexual desire and awareness.
As a result, I find the intensity of orgasm drops from maybe 10 to around 2–3, which has happened since I started Vipassana. I guess it’s because my body is still being stimulated, so orgasm eventually comes, but my mind isn’t fully following — it’s fighting with mindfulness. Thus, the sensation feels different and weaker compared to before I started Vipassana.
Sometimes I win against sexual desire for weeks or months, and sometimes I lose. Sometimes I masturbate 3–4 times in one day — and that, too, is a good example of the impermanence of sexual desire. It comes and goes, comes and goes.
I find that when the desire is strong and my mind keeps thinking about it, the key is to change whatever I’m doing. If it comes when I’m in bed — usually in the morning when it wakes me up — I just get out of bed and move around. If it comes when I’m stressed or working on the computer, which can be risky because I might lose the battle and end up watching porn, I’ll just get up, go outside, and take a break. When the desire is so strong that I can’t even resist it using Samādhi or Vipassanā, I need to act instantly — just break the thought and get out.
I’ve experienced that every time I give in to sexual desire, it feels good for a moment, but what comes after is a mind that grows gloomy and unsettled, and it often craves even more sexual desire. I’d say releasing sexual tension might feel physically good, like you flushed something out, but in fact, it clearly makes the mind and body crave even more.
Compared to when I refrain from sexual engagement for months, sexual desire still arises every so often, but the intention to act on it is much less than when I’ve just given in. It’s like building up momentum — it becomes easier to keep abstaining and strengthen that discipline. It helps me stay focused and committed to restraint.
Versus when I engage with desire, the next time it arises, it tends to pull me in again. I guess it’s because I lost the momentum, and it takes time to build it up again.
However, refraining from masturbation is something that someone who is single can do to stay committed to Vipassana practice. But what about those who are in a relationship, who still have a spouse like me? Refraining from sexual activity might affect — or even endanger — the relationship. How should we deal with this dilemma, which I think many people face.
What Thai Forest Monks and My Teacher Monk Have Taught Me About Sex as a Lay Practitioner
It is a dilemma for a lay practitioner whether we can engage in sexual activity or not. Should we refrain for the rest of our lives? This is different from the situation of a monk. For a Buddhist monk, there is a clear rule: a monk cannot have sex and must not intentionally ejaculate. That means they cannot engage in any activity that would trigger ejaculation, though wet dreams are perfectly acceptable.
From the teachings of the Thai Forest monks, only an Anagami* can completely let go of sexual desire, because they have abandoned the lower fetters — one of which is kama-raga (sensual desire). This means that Sakadagamis and Sotapannas**, and of course lay practitioners like us who are still walking the path and haven’t yet let go of the lower fetters, will still experience sexual desire. There is no rule that says laypeople cannot engage in sexual activity, as long as they uphold the Five Precepts — that is, having sex only with their committed partner or spouse. There were many lay practitioners during the Buddha’s time who attained Sotapanna, yet still had families and spouses — such as Lady Visakha.
One day, I asked my teacher about something I’ve been dealing with. I haven’t engaged in sexual activity for a few months, and my desire is much lower now. I really don’t want to go back to it, but I also know that if I’m still married, it’s not something I can completely avoid. I wondered how I should handle it—how to stay mindful without being led by desire.
My teacher said that at this stage (where I am still a lay practitioner) it’s not about completely stopping desire. Desire may still be there, but the important thing is acting out of duty, not craving. If there’s a situation where sexual activity is necessary, we do it responsibly, not because we’re following lust. In such a situation, one upholds the precept but may not be fully aligned with the spirit of the Dhamma.. The key is to know the right time and act appropriately, rather than resisting unrealistically or just doing whatever you feel like in the moment.
I like to compare it to steering a boat: keeping it moving safely toward the shore, without letting it drift with the waves. In the same way, we can live in the world and perform our duties while staying aware, not being driven by desire. If we refuse to have sex at all when we still have duties as a wife or husband, this could harm the relationship or even lead to issues like cheating. I believe the outcome would be much worse than having sex. My teacher also confirmed that having sex at the right time—not simply to satisfy sexual desire—does not block or hinder the progress of Sotapanna.
Thai Forest monks sometimes teach us not only to observe our thoughts and feelings, but also to see the defilements behind them. In my case, I can see that my desire to attain progress on the path lies behind my intention to avoid sexual engagement. This is one of the hardest yet most beautiful parts of the practice — learning to walk the Middle Way. We can’t let our desire for attainment become too strong, or it turns into another form of greed that hinders progress. At the same time, we still need some wholesome aspiration to keep us walking on the path, while also maintaining a healthy relationship. I believe only we ourselves can truly know where the Middle Way is — not too responsive to craving, yet not so rigid that it harms our relationship.
Luang Por Pramote once went with a Dhamma friend to visit Luang Pu Tate. His friend asked Luang Pu Tate how to overcome sexual desire, saying that even though he wanted to let go, his mind was still attached to it. Luang Pu Tate replied, “If the mind is still attached, you can’t let it go.” He then explained that one must truly see the drawbacks of sensual desire in order to let go of it. Later, when Luang Por Pramote went to see Luang Pu Dune Atulo, he shared what Luang Pu Tate had said. Luang Pu Dune nodded and added, “Yes, to see the drawback is to see the suffering. Once you see the suffering clearly, you can let it go.” This teaching shows how both great masters pointed to the same truth — that real letting go happens only when we deeply understand the suffering behind desire.
How I Slowly Let Go of Sexual Desire
For me, I see myself slowly letting go of sexual desire because I keep noticing the same sexual desire cycle during Vipassanā. I see the suffering that comes with sexual desire. When sexual desire arises, I notice my mind wanting to rush toward sensual objects. It becomes even more suffering when desire turns into craving and obsession, because my mind creates ambition, which leads to becoming. It pushes me away from my current being, making me want to become a new being in hopes of fulfilling those sexual cravings, thinking that desire will bring me happiness. I see the suffering that comes with craving. I experience non-self in sexual desire — it is beyond my control when the desire arises. Sometimes, when I am meditating, I can experience desire arising non-stop, one after another. My mind keeps producing sexual thoughts like bubbles, while my awareness (Sati) keeps bursting them. I see the impermanence. And when I try to follow the urge of responding to sexual desire, I see the suffering even more clearly, especially as the desire stimulates both my body and mind, causing physical arousal.
Every time we have desire, it takes away our peace and stillness. The mind swings like a pendulum, being pulled to one side, driving us to follow it like a slave obeying a demanding master. A slave might get a break when the master is away or sleeping, but our mind never stops — even during sleep, it continues its pursuit. It pushes us to seek pleasure and satisfaction from the six senses to fulfill what the mind wants.
When sexual tension and desire build up, it drives us to find ways to release that tension and satisfy the mind. When the mind sees something attractive — a person or object — it rushes toward it, wanting to possess it in the hope that it will bring happiness. But once the mind gets what it wants, satisfaction lasts only a short time, and a new craving soon arises. The mind tries to hold on to that fleeting happiness, wanting it to stay forever, and at the same time pushes away anything that might take it away.
It is like having an affair with someone who isn’t really our type, but the intensity of sexual desire blinds us. The next morning, or even immediately after, awareness returns and we realize, “What am I doing? How did this happen?” The desire fades, and clarity comes back — but the cycle repeats as soon as sexual desire seizes control again.
We are taught from a young age to be a good boy, study hard, get a good education, secure a good job, earn a lot of money, have a comfortable life, find a good spouse, and build a good family. But what really lies behind all these teachings from adults? Isn’t it all ultimately rooted in the pursuit of happiness? We are led to believe that following the path of a “successful” person will bring us happiness. We are taught — or perhaps programmed by the nature of the mind — to chase after happiness our whole lives, hoping that one day we will finally feel satisfied. Yet the mind always betrays us. It is never content, always wanting new forms of happiness, and this craving, being beyond our control, becomes a source of suffering.
By understanding the basic nature of the mind through Vipassanā and observing the three marks of existence, I see that sexual desire naturally gives rise to suffering. I learn to let go of its cause, not by force but through mindful awareness. In this way, I am practicing the Threefold Discipline — living with Sīla, Samadhi, and Panna — so that, step by step, I can gradually let go of suffering, in harmony with the heart of the Buddha’s teaching, the Four Noble Truths.
I hope this article can be helpful for fellow lay Dhamma friends who are walking the path and struggling with how to handle sexual desire. I am still walking the path myself, observing sexual desire knocking at my door countless times every day. Even just noticing it, seeing it arise and pass, is part of the practice. Step by step, moment by moment, we shall keep learning and letting go.
Aniccā vata saṅkhārā
Uppāda-vaya-dhammino
Uppajjitvā nirujjhanti
Tesaṁ vūpasamo sukhoImpermanent, indeed, are all conditioned things.
They arise and pass away —
their nature is to appear and then to fade.
Having arisen, they cease;
and the stilling of them,
that is true peace, true happiness.Dīgha Nikāya 16 — Mahāparinibbāna Sutta (DN 16)
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