The Vipassana Lab – Watching Desire Arise and Pass | Understanding Sexual Desire through Vipassana

Watching Sexual Desire in Real Life

Let’s take the “hotties” scenario, for example: you observe anything that happens in your mind from the moment your eyes see the girl. How does this person look? How does your mind feel—satisfying? Then you also recognize the feeling of satisfaction and the desire to keep looking back at her. You also recognize the clinging feeling that builds up in your mind: that you like this girl, the desire. And if you let your mind drift even more, it will start a series of mind formations, where your imagination and daydreaming begin, creating many possible plans. This might eventually lead you to take some actions, such as going to talk to her, or you might get distracted by something else, and this cycle of thoughts about this girl dies down.

From the given example of how our minds work and the relation of each stage to Dependent Origination, the faster you can become aware of your mind clinging to the girls, the less you will think and imagine about sex, the less your mind will collect those feelings, and thus the less sexual desire will arise. If you can become aware of your feelings as soon as you see the girls, and pivot your focus back to the meditation object, you can weaken the chain of subsequent events in Dependent Origination, reducing the arising of sexual desire. On the other hand, if you allow your mind to drift when you see the girls, choosing instead to sink into the good feeling of seeing something beautiful, you then allow your cravings and clinging to take over. This makes you the one who falls for those hotties, creates the version of yourself who likes that girl, fantasizes about her, and suffers from wanting her. Then your mind memorizes this event and replays it again and again, thereafter, until you find a new girl.

Vipassana trains the mind to recognize arising thoughts and feelings, so that craving and clinging don’t take over—gradually breaking the chain of suffering described in Dependent Origination; it depends entirely on how strong your Samma-sati and Samma-samadhi are in regaining mindfulness/awareness as your mind starts drifting. When you are still new to the practice, of course, you might notice yourself getting lost in the cutie faces and start fantasizing about them for a moment. But as you get more advanced, you might be able to realize and stop as soon as you see the girl and observe the feelings. You will improve by noticing when your mind starts to drift into the chain of sexual desire (as exemplified above) sooner, the more you practice. On the other hand, the more you allow your mind to drift freely, and the longer your mind fantasizes sexually, the more sexual desire you will create and collect deeply inside your mind, waiting to explode and stimulate you later.

Vipassana means observing the phenomena in our mind with equanimity, so that we can train the mind to truly understand the three marks of existence. When we see clearly that every experience—whether emotions, feelings, thoughts, memories, or mental formations in the five khandhas—is not-self, because it arises from causes and conditions, is beyond our control, and is marked by suffering since it must eventually pass away, the mind grows disenchanted. With this disenchantment, the mind lets go of craving, lets go of self-attachment, and becomes liberated.

Meditation on the Unattractive – Tools to Counter Desire

However, the method of observing the mind and feelings (Vedanānupassanā + Cittānupassanā) may not work well for some practitioners who tend to get lost in thoughts. Even for more advanced practitioners, when facing situations filled with strong sensual triggers—such as seeing many attractive people at once or being in an overwhelming environment—simply observing the mind may not be enough. In such cases, additional tools are needed, such as asubha-kammaṭṭhāna(meditation on the unattractive). It takes a high level of Sammā-sati and Sammā-samādhi to observe the mind without drifting or becoming attached to thoughts.

For this reason, many Thai Forest monks, such as Luang Ta Maha Bua Ñāṇa Sampanno, recommend beginning with meditation on impurity (asubha-kammaṭṭhāna), contemplation of the 32 body parts, or contemplation of the four elements, which emphasizes that the body is just a combination of earth, water, fire, and air—impermanent, impersonal, and not-self—as a more stable foundation.

When strong sensual sensations arise—like when you are among a lot of hot girls, you meet a girl who’s exactly your type, or you have to travel and stay close with someone—the urge for sexual escalation naturally comes up. It’s even more challenging if the person you like is also interested in you—that’s when a spark happens. In those moments, simply observing your body and mind with equanimity feels almost impossible. That’s when we need extra methods to counterbalance the pull of desire. This is where meditation on the unattractive aspects of the body comes in—such as contemplation of the 32 body parts, corpse contemplations, and other forms of asubha-kammaṭṭhāna. These practices are all part of Kāyānupassanā, the first foundation of mindfulness, showing how observing the body in its true nature—through unattractiveness, the 32 parts, or even corpses—can support the mind in developing clarity and reducing attachment. However, it’s wiser to stay ahead of those intimate situations which can put yourself into hard situations.

Reducing Sexual Tension Through Awareness

It might sound like advice for monks and perhaps too extreme for a typical layperson. However, it can help reduce the significant chance of creating sexual tensions. Unless it’s necessary or part of your daily life, work, or interactions with colleagues, avoid looking at or staring at other girls for sexual purposes — you would do the opposite if you were following dating advice — but do this if you want to be a mindful layperson. If you have to talk to them, speak only about what is necessary.

The more interactions you have, the more mental formations you create, the more memories you collect, and therefore the more sexual desire builds up in your mind. Later, when you meditate, this desire may erupt, leaving you wondering why your mind is so restless and wandering. I found this approach especially necessary when you are still new to Vipassana and easily aroused by sexual thoughts and desires. If you don’t create the causes of sexual desire, sexual desire won’t arise.

As the Lord Buddha was once asked whether he still had sexual desire, he didn’t answer with a simple “yes” or “no.” Instead, he wisely said, “He doesn’t have Kamma-taṇhā because he doesn’t have Kamma-vikkot,” meaning he doesn’t have sexual craving that drives action because he doesn’t engage in the mental thought patterns that give rise to it.

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